Ace in Wonderland
by Wolf With Morals
Summary: A mild Parody, after the ways of Doctor Who and Alice in Wonderland... "WHAT kind of a story did you put me in, Professor?"


_Author's notes:_

_Weirdness._

_That sums it up._

_~Everything said by inhabitants of Wonderland belongs to Lewis Carrol. Their characters and situations and so on, also belong to him. ~_

_That being said, let me know if I violated a copy-right and I will pull this story._

_That being said, this was a lot of demented fun, and I hope you can open your mind to picturing these scenes. _

_I did write them with a little of Douglas Adams being in my head. So...I tried a little of his style mixed in.  
_

_So, 'Ace in Wonderland.' (Not meant to be deep or anything. Just little fun scenes) =D_

------------------------------

"**Guilty."**

**---  
**

A distinctive scent, smoke. Ace wrinkled her nose, as if it could be blocked from her nostrils. The result only made her head ache.

One minute, she'd been sitting in a courtroom. The Doctor giving some speech about freedom…and then_ this_.

"Oi. Real _banger _this one." Everything in her head was mushed about.

Both feet firmly planted on the cap of a mushroom, Ace blinked a few times, trying to steady the feeling of the soft fungi beneath her.

"What's going on-" She felt the need to add a name. But, the Doctor was nowhere in sight. So, her jaw snapped shut.

A plume of dense smoke landed on her head, and she batted it away. Whooping coughs caught lungs.

"Gah! What're trying t' kill-" Yet another sentence was cut off.

An enormous bug was sitting on yet another mushroom. Looking terribly contemplative of the situation.

Ace immediately took note of the odd density to the smoke. "That's _right_ grand." The smell of more exotic weeds made her nose itch.

"Who are you?"

Ace nearly jumped out of her blue frock, which for some indefinable reason, she currently found herself wearing. Her eyes followed the smoke to the head of the bug. It was looking imperiously downward. Directly at her.

"You talk?"

"Who. Are. You?"

"Ace. You got a name, Leggy?"

"What do you mean by that? Explain yourself!"

"Exactly what I _said_, Dopey. I'm Ace, and what're you supposed to be!" She shouted, moving forward. Until, the posh black shoe upon her foot, (Again, evading her explanation) dipped itself into the soggy mushroom. Her white stockinged leg took on the colour of dying oatmeal.

"I don't see."

"You blind too or what?" Why was she wasting time talking to a drug impaired bug. Especially one in need of hearing aids and a guide dog.

She hopped off the mushroom, and landed with her blue skirts flurrying upward showing everything petticoat underneath.

"Come back! I've something important to say!" The Bug announced.

"Alright, finally we're gettin' some place! Spill!"

"Keep your temper."

"Oi, words of wisdom, Slug!" She spun around, shaking her fist as she left him in his stupor.

--------

Ace found herself to be reeking of pepper, while clutching a bundle. All while on a path in the middle of a demented wood. Seemingly, her ability to quite define _where_ it was her world had 'gone wrong', was out for tea, or blowing something up with out her. As it was, she had no choice but to accept that this was 'how it is' for the moment and continue onwards.

"Woah, hold up. Where'd you come from, Eh?"

Regarding the ugly baby she was holding, Ace wasn't sure if it'd gotten run over at some point. _Or maybe_, it was just incredibly disgusting naturally. Or perhaps both all at once.

She held it out at arm's length, giving a moment of decision.

Hesitantly, she pulled it a little closer, trying to make out the crazed twitching of legs.

"Oi. Just a minute, I got you."

A loud snort issued from the disturbing face. Ace released it in shock. Watching it fall to the ground. Seemingly pleased with this turn of events, it waddled off on all fours. Vanishing into the tangled trees surrounding her.

"_Aces_. Get yourself a _pig_ to lug about here an' there." She muttered, crossing her arms in a grouchy manner.

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."

Ace's eyes shot to a tree, where another creature _entirely_ was beaming at her. Positively gloating in all actuality.

"What're you mouthin' about?" She was pretty sure she had not provoked that cat's manic grin. Nor his apparent ability to speak. "You talk like loonies?"

"Oh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough."

Ace opened and closed her mouth a few times. Trying to follow the point of the conversation. "You stupid or somethin'?"

"In THAT direction. Lives a Hatter: and in THAT direction, lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad." The Cat seeming rather unconcerned, gestured in the corresponding directions.

"I don't want to visit neither of them. Not like I'm takin' the tour!"

"Oh, you can't help that, we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."

"I'm _gettin' _there! _How do I… _know _what_? Never mind. You're well beyond loony too." She stomped away, leaving the freakish feline to grin at the back of her head. (Which it felt free to do for reasons we cannot explain in the time selected.)

--------

Another scent assaulted her nose. Tea. Piping hot, left in the pot far, far, far, too long and the waft of sour milk curdling somewhere.

Nothing as stimulating as the sense of smell.

Ace blinked rapidly, trying to connect the conversation bubbling like the tea pots around her to reality. But, it seemed to hold no context.

She sat up, to find herself in a cushioned chair. A man with manic eyes first caught her sight. Teeth that dwarfed Big Ben over lapped his lower lip slightly. An ugly coloured top hat sat upon his head, in a size that made no sense as to be fitting him so well.

Seeming to take the initiative, a bunny looked over at her from his own high-backed chair and said rather adorably, "Have some wine."

Ace leaned back. "From what I've seen, it'd be laced with somethin'."

"Your hair wants cutting." As the first words spoken by the man with poor hat taste, she immediately hated him.

"And your teeth want a decent dentist!" She shot back. Oh. That sounded rather good.

"Why is a raven like a writing-desk?" The man blurted. Left eye twitching as he sat, awaiting an answer.

"You're a right box of loonies too!" Ace laughed, nearing anxiety induced hysteria. She popped up from the table, ignoring the food and drink.

What ever _they'd_ been digesting, she was staying well away from it.

--------

Roses. Was that _roses_? Ace took a deep breath, it was refreshing after the scent of over-steeped tea.

"And who are these?"

Ace opened her eyes, and saw what looked very much like a Queen.

A Queen, who looked very much like a clown in all her regalia.

A Queen, who was pointing to something that looked very much like prostrate playing cards.

Huffing in a bewildered voice, Ace shrugged, just to be sure her message got across. Which, having said nothing, was actually well received by most involved as a wise choice of actions on her part.

Rather shockingly, Ace found a long necked bird staring at her. Someone had tucked it neatly under her arm, settling it into the crook between her elbow and shoulder.

Ace released it. Booting it's bottom with her foot to move it further away.

**"Off with her head! Off—"** The Queen began shrieking, and Ace rolled her eyes. Listening to the high pitched wailing.

When she got _her hands_ on the Professor… he'd have a_ lot_ to answer for. Somehow, he'd gotten her into this land of loonies. This_ looked_ his sense of humour! It just smacked of his handiwork.

"Shut it, big mouth! I'm tryin' to think!" Ace screamed right back, her diminutive stature attempting to back up the loud voice that issued forth.

The Queen was glowering, beet faced and angry.

One of those playing cards now was waddling her way. Carrying a set of nasty looking leg irons.

"Oh, nice one." Ace spun around, preparing to make her escape. When she was stopped. Not by any wrong doing of her own. Nor in a way that should have been taken into account with anyone with sanity.

She tripped over her baffled flamingo. Who had felt it possibly the very best time to come and apologize. Which, as any sane Flamingo would know, was impossible. Because, the Flamingo was not necessarily in the wrong. Also, seeing as the young woman did not indeed _speak_ flamingo.

As Ace actually toppled over her rather unfortunate Flamingo, her knee caught a hedgehog. This small prickled creature made a terrible 'crunch' and went rather _flat_ upon her weight landing upon it.

"How are you getting on?" The voice of the ogling feline from the woods wafted to her ears. Ace pulled the crushed rodent from her knee.

"What're you? You some kind of_ god_? You the leader? If you're the one behind this, _Fuzzy_…you're goin' to get some Nitro-9-" Yet again, Ace was silenced mid-sentence.

Her flamingo was hacking _wretchedly_. It's eyes bulging in their attempt to escape it's skull. Should there be any confusion, this was not a result of it's attempt to make things right between itself and Ace.

A silvery canister burst out of it's mouth, and the bird flapped wildly. Then, fainted dead away.

The container rolled to Ace's polished footwear.

Hope sprung in her heart.

Nitro. Burped up from a Flamingo. But, obviously Nitro.

Ace reached down, almost rhapt in the moment of triumph. She fingered the cool metal. Were flamingo gullets like an icebox?

Now, to the question. What (_Or who_) to blow up...

"How do you like the Queen?"

Ace looked up to see that the Cat seemed to be mostly disemboweled already. Just a head, levitating.

"She's brill."

----------------

Ace gagged. The fumes of some seafood left in the sun too long. The salty-sour smell often located on warfs and old sushi bars.

Ace warily opened one eye and found herself watching something along the lines of a Turtle having a crying fit. He was flopping around, gobs of tears flowing down his face.

A hideous mixture of creatures, both bird and cat was violently smacking the Turtle about.

"Same as if he had a bone in his throat" The gruff voiced Cat/Bird said sourly.

Maybe, it was a seizure… or an old fashioned tantrum.

Suddenly, the sea creature seemed up to speaking. And speak it did.

"You may not have lived much under the sea and perhaps you were never even been introduced to a lobster, so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is!"

Ace glanced around. No answer came. So she shook her head, smiling slightly at the feel of the Nitro still within her grasp.

"Why you first form into a line along the sea-shore-" The Cat/Bird explained.

`Two lines! Seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you've cleared all the jelly-fish out of the way-"

This explaining went on for a terribly long time. And any information that could have been of use, seemed to evade this planet.

Maybe even this Solar System.

She found herself shifting in her seat. Wanting escape.

Her fingers twitched over the tab of the Nitro. Toying with the detonation.

Turtle was still bawling as he spoke.

"Then, you know, you throw the-"

Ace leapt up onto the bench where she'd been seated.

"You've got ten seconds to get me out of here! This thing'll blow you to the next century!"

Winging the explosive above her head threateningly, she watched the Turtle begin to cry even more profusely. The Feathered-Feline patted him consolingly.

No one seemed to take her seriously.

She lobbed the Nitro, only a few seconds to go. The explosion made her head buzz and her fingers go numb.

-------

"Ace? Can you hear me? Have a good sleep?"

The rolling voice made her wince, and she peeked one eye open. A concerned looking face was peering down at her. Ace blinked.

Her fists clenched tersely.

"Professor...!"

Shock made him back up a little. Ace rose from the metal bed she'd been laying on. Little suction cups popped from her head like sickly leeches.

He looked bewildered.

"They said you _must_ be held _overnight_. It was the best I could do… no amount of conniving could get through to Judge Leffroque..." He over pronounced the Judge's name and scowled.

He was obviously still bothered by his failing at her trial.

"So, you let them put me through that _torture_?! Thanks a _load_, Professor!" She would not relinquish her anger. No matter how put-out the Doctor seemed at the situation.

"_Torture_?" He appeared shocked, and glanced around the cell. "I asked for you to have one of the Earth Children's stories piped in. It was supposed to be _soothing_. Fascinating thing... Inponnian rehabilitation. They believe enough of the childhood, _the innocence_ as it were, piped into the brain-"

He was rambling, happily lolling the 'R's across his tongue.

Ace glared hard. "Childhood innocence?! How about: _depression, decapitation and drugs_? How's that one for you, Eh?"

"…What story exactly did you _end up_ in, Ace?"

"I have no bloomin' idea. But, there's some _sick-o_ out there makin' real messed up bed times!"

"Hmm…I'll ask on our way out..." He tapped his umbrella handle against his chin, then motioned to her with one finger. Luring her to the door. "Oh, and I promised you'll sign a pledge."

"For what, Professor?"

"Standard procedure, I suppose. It's something all..._convicts_ must sign."

"Am I really a convict here?"

"Yes. Unfortunately."

"..._wicked_." Ace smirked, she had never been a criminal before. At least... not a _caught_ criminal.

She then, remembered how _easily_ these people took offense, and the smile vanished.

After all, one night in _that _book was enough to keep her scared of the Inponnian law for a good_ long, long_ time.

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_Author's notes: I love Alice in Wonderland. You might even see a Fanfic of it someday. So, this was just a little fun to get it out of my system! =D_

_Kind of a Crack!fic-I suppose? I really don't know what that means. But, it seems to be along the lines of what others label that. So...yes. _

_Weird.  
_


End file.
